सम्झना अटाउने तिमि

सम्झना अटाउने तिमि

आगो जव सल्किन्छ पागलपनको डढेलो मुटुभरि लाग्छ.. खरानी खरानि छ मन चितमा चढेको लास पनि आत्था पोल्यो भनि झस्कियर व्युझीन्छ.. तड्पन यो मुटुभरि धड्कन भन्दा बढि छ..न जिवन न मरन खै त्यो संगम कहाँ छ..बकवास यो दूनियाले प्रेमको परिभासा सूनायो..म लेख्छु छुट्टै इतिहास भन्दै पाइला अन्धो प्रेमको रस्तामा डोहोर्यायो..तर पना पल्टिदै च्यातिदै गरेको अतित आज फेरि याद आयो.. म कोरिएको पाना मेटियो तिमि जोडियको पाना हरायो..तिमि र म बिच हामि भन्ने बाहाना सबै बिलायो..अझै कोर्न मसि नपुगे नसा नसामा सल्बलाइ रहेका रगतका थोपा बाँकि छन्..तर कहानि छैन.. गलतिका पुन्ज पाहाड थुपारी सके मैले तर तर पस्चाताप र माफिको कुनै नामो निसान छैन,,न उत्तर छ हरेक जवाफ सवाल बनिदिन्छन्.. न प्रेम छ बाँकि जिउदै मरेको प्रेत सरि मलाई रात रात भर तर्साई रहन्छ..

तिमि निदाउन भन्छौ मलाई आँखा खोलेर सपना देख्ने आदत परि सक्यो..या त मरूँ या यसरि नै बाँचु केहि फरक नपर्ने बनि सक्यो.. बिना अर्थ हाँस्नु र आँसू खसाल्नु सामान्य बनि सक्यो.. कसैको मतलब बिनाको मतलब खोज्नु गीरायर आफैलाई तिमिलाई माथी हेर्दै आकाशको फल आँखा तरि मर भनि चित्त बूझाउनु यो मनले जानि सक्यो.. सकियछ तिमिमा चडेको मेरो मायाको असर बिस्तारै बिस्तारै त्यो आभाष उत्रि सक्यो.. मलाई आवेगको बाडिले बगायर तिमिबाट कोसौँ टाडा छाडि सक्यो,,भोलि आकास रून्छ आकास सँगै म पनि रून्छु..पुछेर आँसु आर्को दिन सन्सार हिड्छ म पनि हिड्छु.. यो रित यस्तै छ दुनियाँले त भूल्छ कुनै दिन सायद म पनि भुल्छु.. अनि भन्नु तिमि , तिमिले गरेको मायामा स्वार्थ लुकेको रैछ.. मेरो मनको मान्छे ठानेको थिऍ आखिर तिमि त सोच्न पनि लायकको रहेनछ.. बस त्यति बेला म रुदिन किनकि मलाई थाहा छ यो संसारमा सबै भन्दा अमुल्य मेरै आँसू पो रहेछ..जसको हरेक थोपामा तिम्रो सम्झना अटाउने रहेछ..

FEELING of FIRST LOVE

किन मन लाग्छ फाल हान्न हरेक पल गहिरो यो मायाको सागरमा ..छाल बनि उठ्छन् मेरा भावना ..अकाल वित्छ न्यानो प्रेमको उनको सौगात..र अकसमात छागा बाट खसे जस्तो हून्छु..पसिनाले पुरै भिजेर भयानक सपना छोडि व्युझन्छू..म तर्सन्छू तिमि छूट्दै छौ भनेर..कति रात गन्दै छू विथोलियको टुक्रियर झर्दै गरेको तारा संग तिमिलाइ मागेर..के हो किन यस्तो लाग्छ सितार जडेको घुम्टोले तिमलाई ढाकिदिउँ,,,तिम्रो खालि सिउदो भरोस सिन्दूरले अरु कसैले तर म गाडा रगतले भरिदिउँ,,मेरो नामको टिका धागो चूरा पोते..हात समाइ सात फेरा सयद हामि घुम्दैनौ होला..तर प्रेम यो त कहिले मर्दैन..

मलाइ के हूदैछ थाहा छैन र जान्नू पनि छैन..अन्तमनमा द्वन्द चल्दैछ र वाहिर के छ अतापता छैन..लापता आफ्नै सुरमा बेतोड आँखा चिम्लि कुद्दै छू.. घरि खाडलमा पसे घरि बादलमा उडेँ आज फेरि चट्टानमा बजारिदैछू.. सपनामा चूमेँ आकास भरिका जून तारा सबै..तर पापी विपनाले विउँझाईदियो म पातालको पिंदमा पछारिऍ,,,त्यो पहिलो भेट पहिलो प्रेमको पहिलो स्पर्स ,, चाहे तिमि पागलपन नै भन्ने ठान हँसेर देखाइन तर कति खुसि थिऍ मनमनै कुनै सिमानै थियन..तिम्रो अंगाललोको न्यानोपन त्यति नजिक मेरो आत्मा कसैसंग थियन.. थहा छैन तिम्रो ओठ चुम्ने बानि किन लाग्यो.. अरू केहिमा त्यो नसा त्यो मिठास पाउदिन..तर आदत सरि वनेको तिम्रो माया यो मनको आफैमा बस नचल्दा तिमिसंग वोल्न पनि म पाउदिन..मेरो मायामा कमि छ,,छ धेरै कमजोरि म मा पनि,..कुनै दिन त्याग गर्न सक्थे ढाँटेको थिइन यहि थियो मेरो मयाको सबैभन्दा ठुलो खुवि,,

तर आज वैगूनि वन्दैछु..कुन जूनिको रिन तिमिमाथि थोपर्दैछु..म कूनैपनि सम्वन्ध निभाउन नसक्ने एउटा असामाजिक प्राणि यहि सुइकारी एक्लोपनमा हराउँदैछु..तिमि कुनैदिन खोज्छौ मलाइ???म तिम्रै नाम लियर यो सून्यतामा चिच्याई रहेछु,,हजार सब्दहरू भनिरहन्छ खामोस ऒठहरूले,एकतमास लोलाएका तिम्रा आँखाहरू टोलायरै म हेरीरहू..डूवू तिमि वोलेको आवाजमा तैरियर तिम्रो हात समाइ जिवनको किनारमा तिम्रो साथ कुनै साँझ मायाका दूई मिठा वात गरूँ,, फिजारीयको त्यो कालो बादल जस्तो केस हटाई म मेरि जूनलाई नियालि रहूँ,,मलाई तिम्रो आँखा भिजेको हेर्नुछ,,पिडाहरूले विजायर हैन..स्नेह र प्रित टलपलायका भावना उघारेर हेर्नुछ..बस सन्नाटा चिर्दै एक साथ एकै सुस्केरा फेर्नुछ..मेरो सारा संसार तिमि यो अंगालोले बेरेर आफुभरि समेट्नुछ.. कोरियका यि हत्केलाका सबै रेखा मेटाई,,तिम्रो प्रप्तिनै मेरो सौभाग्य तिमिमै सुरु तिमिमै मेटिनुछ..

हो प्रेमको गति सधै एकनास चलिरहन्न,.तर यथार्थ हो यो कहिले मर्दा पनि मर्दैन.,,बाचा कसमले बाँधेर म बन्धनको पिंजडा कदापि कदापि बनाउदिन..खुला पन्छिझैँ छाडिदिन्छु बरू आफै पन्छिदिन्छू,, तिम्रो मनको घर जाँहा छ उडिजाउ,,म त त्यहि सपनाको सहरमा डुलिरहन्छु..आफुलाई भूलिरहन्छू ..तिम्रो यादमा भुल्लिरहन्छू..सम्झना र सपना यसै छ यो मनको चाहाना,, बाँकि राखेर मनको मनै दफ्नायर.. ईर्स्या र जलनको आगो पनि त बारबार तापिराख्न सक्दिन.. हो चिहायर हेर्दाहेर्दै ऎना बन्यौ तिमि कसो गरुँ अब,,याहाँ कति सुन्दर देखिन्छु नचिहाई बसिराख्न पनि त सक्दिन..पापीस्वार्थि नभने है..बेकाबू भयर ति ओठ चुम्न पुगेछु सरिरको भोगी नठाने है.. हर गलतिलाई माफ गरिदियौ ..मेरा भावना वुझेर आँसु पनि पुछिदियौ,, न केहि माग्यौ न केहि गुनासो राख्यौ,वस माया गर्यौ सम्मान दियौ.. मेरो अधा अधुरो जिवनमा छोटो मिठो प्रेम कहानि भरिदियौ..मेरो पुरा पुरै अन्धकार जिववनको विहानि वनिदियौ..

Unseen Connection Of Me With Him

 Unseen Connection Of Me With Him

What’s between us is an unidentified thread that neither he nor I can see. It’s quite funny to recall all the conversations yet every time I do so I feel myself full of life. Yes! He remained to be my soulful motivator. In between the silly conversations there are several time when he fell for me and many more times when I fell for him. While in this process of falling we, yes we started to climb upon the stairs for our career. The process of climbing sometimes sounded like boredom yet we had no choice.

Stairs to the career! Hmm really seem hard to match up rhythm with the same idiotic person when the criteria and your career differ. There were piled complaints of him when I used to have no time for him. Even I remember myself saying he hardly cares, why should I care? But the thread connecting us never broke. It just went connecting closer and closer.

Remembering, how we started? Hmm, the day I told him I am a bad girl, haha that’s really funny but he believed I was not. So that belief is the major reason we are connected. Moreover, the way we imagine and fantasize the world in our head is also the connection we have: yet unseen and unrealized at many points. Even after connecting this close he’s not my boyfriend nor is my best friend. May be he exceeded both: he holds a respect from beneath the heart, while my heart finds no words to express. The feeling just complicates me.

He hardly knows how I create these silly imaginations in head. My source is him, yes him. All the romantic thoughts, all the thrilling flirts, all the inspiring vibrations, everything comes from you and our silly conversations. An unseen connection that drives us and the silly conversations that connect us are the only meaningful base to our relation. It is really complicated to define who he is to me though flirting with him makes my mood glow.

Every time he admired me, I kind of blush. “Your eyes are the most playful factor I have ever seen in life miss beautiful. No doubts they are beautiful. Intensity of your eyes they drive me crazy like hell, seems like almost half of your secrets you hide in there.” These words from him are damn locked in this heart. Every moment he says he loves the way I think, I want him to realize I always think of the connection between us but nothing else. At the end of every day I think about us falling: then next morning starts with the thought of climbing me and him into our life. I then think to keep this connection safe just to make sure my soulful life is him. And he is neither my boyfriend in the romantic hour nor the best friend in my cries and laugh. He is motivation! motivation of my life, my living... Oh Butterfly! Dear Butterfly! You inspire me every day, I may not express nor say.

AT THE EMOTIONAL … , MY HEART!

AT THE EMOTIONAL … , MY HEART!

At the emotional city;My heart!How could you remain as a stone? While the world out here complained of the throbbing pain

You stood there smiling as if you were the only insane.

At the emotional market;My heart!How could you remain as a deaf?The world out there called you to be the only culprit thereAnd you continuously smiled as if you hardly care.

At the emotional crossroad;My heart!How could you remain as a dumb?Why could the world not hear!While you had had also put your arguments there?

In this emotional gardenMy heart!How could you remain as a blind?While people had already seen ugliness in you,You were busy explaining the beauty around you.

At the emotional court;My heart!You are the actual criminal;You are responsible to fill many hearts with pain…

My Ex-thing.

My Ex-thing.

We’ve had a quirky past but let’s face it… having each other as exes is much better than not having each other in our lives at all!  I supposed you to be arrogant and nasty, annoying and rude. Thanks for being none of that. There was a day when I thought that you were the best thing that happened to me. There was also a day when I thought that you were the worst thing that happened to me. Today I think that you weren’t meant to be the best or the worst thing to my life – or WE, were never meant to be YOU and I, may be because ended being nobody. 

We will never know why we had heartbreak written in our fates, but I will always remember the beautiful memories of our amazing dates. Sometimes I think I have moved on, sometimes I think that I still love you. The emptiness in my heart and the confused state of my mind, I wish you knew. After all the love that I gave you, heartbreak is the gift that you gave me. forgiveness is the gift I am going to give you. I would LOVE to admit that I HATE you but the truth is and I HATE to admit it, that I still LOVE you. And i realize you are; My Ex- thing.

THE LAST WISH

THE LAST WISH

I’m not born stupid! Though I love to be one;

Every moment I am with you.

Neither I am talkative; yet I start nonstop lectures and day

Finding a perfect listener in you.

I hardly flirt: while my heart flutters!

Finding you around.

I just feel to irritate you all the time:

And at last no complain from you at all.

After all my mood swings: my silence is the only thing

That bothers you a lot.

Neither you nor I!

Ever expressed how much priority do we hold for eachother.

I don’t wish to know of and about this priority.

Yet, when I die; I want you.

I want you, to come running to me,

with your eyes full of tears.

then shout a loud

- “Stop kidding you kiddo! Just wake up.

Just wake up and live some more memories  with me.”

Just To Love You

Just To Love You

Nights when I get no sleep!

I get distracted: distracted,

With thoughts of you, with thoughts of me.

With thoughts of us; together.

Healthy flirts with sweet tease,

Moment together that just pleased.

You were no around.

Yeah! You are no around.

Yet, I feel to hold you in my memories;

Just to hug you.

I feel to pick you up from my memories;

Just to kiss you.

And yes, yes I feel to lock you in my arms;

Just to love you. Love you with my honest heart.

Every night my unseen perfection!

My favorite task is; to pick you up from our memories together

Just to love you!

Just to love you!!!

MY ROMANTIC DIARY

I wish for the moment of fantasy where;

You could love me unconditionally being for only being me...

I wish for the moment when; you would find my lap as your finest pillow

And i would run my fingers through your hair.

I wish to find you listening to; whatever I say .

At last, when you are done listening.

I wish you to stop me.

Stop me! Without,  your fingers or words.

I wish it to be your lips placed over mine.

I wish my acts;

Making your heart flutter and flutter.

And after getting no words to express how you felt.

You would come closer and just hug me!

To make me attend your heartbeats,

Letting me to lean over you.

I wish when my life fall:

Towards the darker shade like, night.

You would appear to me and,

Twinkle as the brightest and closest star to my life.

I wish whatever the situation gets;

You would stand next to me.

Holding me in your arms,

Standing by my side, forever.

The feeling of love

Life had grown too dull

But these days I am filled with little glow.

Observing self in the mirror;

was never that interesting.

Yet these these I find a happy reflection.

Yeah! I do check;

if my taste has gone frown.

There are changes in this wind:

A little bright; A little shine

A  little charm and yes!

BREAK-UPS

BREAK-UPS

A breakup is a state of mind that needs encouragement and needs hopeful, forward thinking. Basically, a bad breakup is never meant to teach you 'I'll never fall in love again.' It's meant to teach you 'Now I better know what makes for healthful, happy love - and thanks to this breakup I'm now better able to recognize it and snag it!' But sometimes Breaking up is hard to do... so it's essential to keep getting wiser - and wiser - about what healthy love is all about. And that's just a symbol of how you should deal with a breakup. You can cry for a little bit, eat some ice cream, but I think, after that, it's like, get up, listen to some powerful music and do something that makes you happy, be productive.

You're breaking up, you're getting together, you're changing your life, you're arguing with your parents, you're making terrible mistakes, you're having great triumphs. That’s what teenage mostly is about.Whether you're dealing with a recent breakup, a fall-out with family, or a failed business venture, be aware that your emotions could affect your spending habits. Uncomfortable emotions can increase the chances that you'll behave recklessly, which may have a negative impact on your bank account.One of the most painful parts of a breakup is having the feeling that your life is a story, and then the other person leaves and takes the story with them. And you're left there without it. You're left in this version of life that's basically a succession of events and interactions that don't seem to be going anywhere.

Sometimes I tell people this: It's easy to write about walking in the park, but it's hard to write about a breakup. I don't think breakups are ever easy for anybody. If they are, they aren't much of a breakup.

I think the worst part about a breakup sometimes, if one could choose a worst part, would possibly be if you get out of a relationship, and you don't recognize yourself because you changed a lot about you. So I am pretty sure about: No one goes straight to happiness after a breakup.

Her Tale: Unspoken experiences

Her Tale: Unspoken experiences

While walking by the roadside on my way from office, I notice him continuously staring at me.  And his stare is not unknown though he is a stranger; I face a lot of stares on me from various guys out in this society.  Those stares are too mysterious. Their stares upon me sometimes fill me with shame, I try my best to act as if I never saw them staring upon me. Further, I think I deserve the award for best actress for acting out so wise. But the fact is these men never stared at me rather, they stared at the piece of flesh attached to my body; my chest, my breast.

So, today also I find a similar stare upon my piece of flesh, my breast from him. His eyes were gazing upon it without even a blink. He has no fear of being caught.  I felt like my breasts were put for an auction and he was one of a person in crowd; who was being entertained from the show.  Yes, I felt Insecure, I felt pain, as if I was being raped; raped with his eyes but it doesn’t make any concern to him.  Every time, I want to question him, but I can’t.  I wish to shout at him yelling watch your eyes off Mr. I wish to ask him if the  extra-stuffed  piece of flesh attached to my chest are entertaining him well or not? If it’s not then I want to shout at him why are you staring to my property watch your way and move.  

When I notice him staring to my chest, I came-up with tons of ideas in my mind. While, my heart throbs and I feel like I am being punished for having these breast. I don’t feel good when they look at my breast as if I am a criminal hiding golds or diamond inside these pooped flesh. Each time, they give a mysterious look over my breast, these pieces of flesh; I want to shout at him with the heaviest pitch of my voice yet some unseen barriers stop me. And within a cold space in me, I suffer. But a thought amuses me thinking he must be curious on how my chest expanded without losing sweat in the gym, because I have heard from many of the guys that for their expanded chest they spend hours in gym. So, I think he stares to my expanded chest because he must be thinking how I achieved it without even working out at gym like he does! And these thoughts are just to console my heart, further I console myself in my imaginative world. The world where I shall make him realize of how I felt when he used to glance at my flesh so mysteriously. If only I could, I would have made him wake up with same amount of flesh attached to his chest. I would make sure he gets same glances over his chest from all the girls he passes by. Then I don’t think he would feel the same way as I do. He is a man so he would describe it in terms of may be somehow a bravery.  And the fact is I cannot make him be so or understand how I feel.

I can never make him feel the way I do over their each glance over my breast. I cannot explain them how humiliating it feels. Furthermore, I feel ashamed to hear your indirect comments over the size of my breast. Sometimes I feel to cut them off and hand it over to you guys to make sure you get clearer visions of the thing I carried under my clothes.

"And I know, I here is not just me, I  represent every girl who goes through such stares to her office, her way back home, her college. And I understand it’s damn hard to explain how their stare silently throbs. We don’t find how to explain the situation and problem we bear. I understand we are ashamed to talk on this problem.  But not talking over the issue is making the issue more sever."

Little Fantasy

Last days on earth- Beautiful but not as good.
Her eyes that I'll ever see any where else,
Her round nose cute as hell
With sharp Curves on her lips I never seen before .
Her chubby ceeks so soft ,so bouncy .
No other words found to describe her.
Always wanted her as the last thing
That I'll ever need to survive
But this time and space...
And a dare to say - "Why you, So beautiful?"
- by: maharjan.prasesh73@gmail.com

Stone as God

How the faith over the carved and uncarved stones works

Life is not about following gods in stones or statues. It is all about following these stones without forgetting the morals of life and being human. It’s our faith that turns the same stone into our god and further it guides us for our greater well being. Yes, we worship these stones with all our heart and soul. In the form of god, stones have actually helped to preserve humanity in this small world of ours.

While an analysis shows that how the faith upon stones kept people live happier, healthier and longer. People who believe upon god visit temples by the early hour in the morning, and basically the steps that they take in the temple maintained the level of exe

rcise required in their body. Our temples include the herbs and plants that are used for medicinal purpose. Here the plants we worship like neem, peepal, tulsi, etc are medicinal herbs while they are good producer of oxygen. Hence the one who visit the temples have good health. Similarly the plants are also being protected.

The mediums of our worshipping might be taken as a kind of taboos. But scientifically our stones are keeping us healthier. Our faith over those stones; fills us with good self-esteem and confidience. Sometimes we are over-looked as the idiots worshipping the animals as god from an invisible lens we are preserving those animals. When we worship those animals in the form of god we respect them, they get less hurt and they are safe. And to those who speak of the sacrifice in the name of god yes I support their statement the sacrifice in the name of god while deny it by the next end. Here I support them because none the god demanded sacrifice of the innocent animals selfish intentions were reflected in the names of god, while looking over the animals that are killed it was required to maintain the balance in nature. The ratio of how the sacrificed animal increases three times more of the other creatures and to make a balance it was necessary.

Here our faith over the stone and our worshiping the stones, animals, plants and everything seems beneficial in several ways. For a person it’s maintaining their will power, its mending them emotionally strong in the name of god. We directly believe god but indirectly we are creating a positive energy in ourselves as a form of god. Each time we had faith over god we even feared of the evils. So the evil refers to all the negative energy stored in them. Where by, for us our faith and belief over god in the form of carved or uncarved stones placed in temple help them filter the negative source of energy into the positive. The plants that we worship and preserve are maintaining a pure environment around us. We have been preserving the animals around us creating a balance; as an equal ratio of plants and animals. Basically our small faith over the stone is preserving the environment, yes we can say our religion, our faith, our belief is preserving our mother earth and the creatures in it.

ramdom

I do believe you exist somewhere. Not with me but somewhere watching over me. It do hurts but I will smile for you. It do pains but I will never tear apart. I know you are gone while by times i repent for not having you in life. your death was the coldest and the scariest thing that occur in my life. 

I want to see you but its OK I will I will stare up the sky. I am sure you are now the brightest star ever.I miss you and its fine I will keep missing you too. now I am a grown up kid who can control her outgrowing desires and moods. 

Stay safe and bless me from heaven.

HER STORY: THE UNSPOKEN TALE- 2

She had her story. The society called she is mad, it doubted she definitely had an affair with lot of men. It doubted she was a very wicked witchy women. Society behind her back said she never loved her husband, it blamed her for mistreating her in-laws and husband. Society just kept making remarks over her behind her back. But society never wanted to know her story: by 22 she was married to a very good looking wealthy man holding shares at number of projects. For 4 years she felt she was lifeless . Since she was blamed for each and every situations going wrong within the family. Today, after 4 years she wants to feel her life as per her decisions yet she is captive of her husband.

She has her some secret space that the world around her do not know. She has not shared how her in-laws used satirical words for her. She never spoke about the blames that her husband and her in-laws put against family for not shaping her in

to a perfect wife and a perfect daughter in law.  She never complained how badly she was treated within the four-walls to the exterior world around. She kept on believing that someday her in-laws would change their opinion for her. She has her won story unexpressed and unshared.

And without having idea of what she has been through society depicts her as cruel  cold-blooded. Society never cared of her cries, it never cared when ever that creepy worm molested her body. Society never knew him who they called her god had murdered her womb for already 3 times. Society never wanted to hear how badly she wanted her all three daughters who were forcefully aborted by her in-laws including her husband. Society never wondered of those scars that she carried in her body which were offered to her because she hadn't brought sufficient dowry. Society never had had any idea on why she filed multiple cases against her in-laws. It may have no idea on how badly she wants to punish the murderer's of her innocent womb. Society can never figure out the hundred reasons she couldn't compromise anymore against the unjust she had had been through.

Society behind her back doubts of and about her affairs with each next man in the way she passes by, with the man who dropped her home and of course with her clients and boss at her work place. While it do not care of the facts that she stood brave atleast, she stood up for freedom. she dared to speak against the worms who destructed her life. So, our society sharply knows how to provide sympathy before her and much more clearly knows how bad she is as she is divorced her husband behind her back. 

I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME

Out of hundred rays that fall upon me,
you are the one that made me feel ; so warm.
yes i am especial,after thousand tantrums i do
and you are the one who gets happier with me.
i do not know what exactly has happened to me:
but babe i am falling in love with me.

Locked in your arms, and some pillow fights
casual conversation with some sensual jokes
and the cheesy poses for the old portrait.
babe who are we just two hearts falling for love.
some times i do want to tell you
honey! you are the reason
that i have loved myself more than anybody else:
cause i know a part of you survives in me.

I AM- a toy!

Romantic melody hit those ears 

And my heart did not  moved an inch.

Had my heart grown cold or old?

It did not flutter!

After someone wispered love to it.

Speechless; with numb heart,

And i had to give a reply!

It must have had been a stroke that hit me;

While my heart yelled- ” ouch! it’s difficult.”

Yes! i can. i can!

I can wisper of- “an illusion.illusion of love to you”

Illusion after your romantic melody.

Finest act of mine, that would appear to be.

Hey honey! I am – ‘The Toy ‘

The toy one loved the most; long ago…

And, now left alone:

Lifeless and free.

The unexpressed feelings

The unexpressed feelings

I feel like my heart has grown much more impatient since I met you. I feel as if I won’t be able to survive. Without you my life will go towards the shade. And my heart goes impatient, too impatient after you.

These eyes want to see you all day long. It is scared to lose you even in the blinks I take. So it scans you all the time around me. It has grown that selfish. I wish to have you close to me all the time. Even I wish you for the nights if there weren’t any of these barriers. I think of you for all night and keep smiling like an idiot. I even imagine of the romantic illusions between you and I. I want to admire you all the time. I just wish if I could play with your hair, I wish to cuddle you all night. Applying nail polish to your nails and tight hugs would be my best.

Every time a romantic song goes around, I wish if we two could spend hours arm by arm. I want to sing for you despite I have a worst tone, dance with you. Take you out for a long vacation. If only goodbyes weren’t there.  Dropping you to your place, where I childishly ask you to hug me… and a sweet kiss… Seems like I will lose my way without you.

Life would have grown really smooth but it’s me who cannot dare to express my feelings to you. I am scared you would turn your face away from me. Every day I came up with plan to express what I actually feel for you but I cannot make my words right to you. This non-expressive nature of me hurts. I feel like I am able to inhale these pains. I am satisfied with this pain, also. Even in the hard times I feel to smile, smile enough to think that I will pave my way out of it. I am scared that i might loose you and the feeling haunts me. 

October Night: I Was Taken Away

The reflection of the bloomed moon,
on the surface of the sea.
I felt as if, she came up to glance itself,
In her mirror in the sea.
The moment was so delighted that, I was taken away.

I felt lucky to be her audience while,
I found no words to define how beautiful she looked
All could do was to hold still at the place where I was.
I wish if I could touch her, feel her;
Alas! I couldn’t. yet I was taken away.

When my eyes struck my hand it was 11: 53 pm
Then I thought beauty blooms only in the peace
Like, she bloomed above the world so high.
The full circle and her glow made the earth shine
As if, she was the provider.
And looking at her, I was taken away.

The lights from her, as if it was giving relief to my eye
The way she was floating in the sea , made my soul weightless.
She was the envious circle that carried my pain away
The bloomed flower I could smell so good from miles away.
October night, the envious full moon
While from the bottom of my heart I felt: I was taken away.

Loneliness

Loneliness might not be something that he felt when I was not around. Loneliness might not be what he went through when I broke-up with him. It might just be about how he acted in his life; of being happy, or being normal without me.
The true loneliness might also be the feeling which one experienced since childhood. It could be the feeling of having nobody by your side when you needed the most. Loneliness is the feeling which kills you after you lose your soul completely. While true loneliness is the situation when you pretend to be happy and explain the world around you; you are enjoying a complete life.
Loneliness is to share your feelings of extreme happiness and extreme coldness with your pillow rather than the world around you.

You understand that the world around is too busy to have their valuable time to celebrate in your joyful occasions. While no one could manage time to help you shot your problems in hardship of life. Loneliness is the feeling of fear, and pain that you never expressed to anyone around you.
And after redefining the loneliness for time and again, 2 years of our relation and the 10 month of your suffering after our break-up feels like nothing to me. You said,” You are the cold person who never cared about your feelings and sentiments. Because of you my life god destroyed. I find myself alone, I cannot sleep all nights, and this is all because of you. It is all, just because of you.” After hearing you, I still don’t feel anything. I don’t feel sorry for what I did to you in 10 months without being reasonable. I don’t feel sorry for leaving you. But I find myself sorry for letting you know who I actually am. You said I killed your soul, and washed away all your happiness from life. But I am glad that, you were never killed by the force that compelled you t get addicted to the sleeping-pills; to forget your pains like I did. I am glad that you never had to count the stars to forget pain in your loneliness. I am glad that you never encountered the darkest night like I did and you even didn’t hear any of the loudest thunders at your weakest point.
To you I am the one who destroyed your life and you in the name of love. To me I am the person who cannot express; myself the way I am. I am vulnerable, while only little saw me in that stage. I do cry, and few wiped out tears from my beautiful adorable eyes. The one who said my lips adored them, only few could read the unuttered loneliness from them. And it saddens that you could not get the pain I uttered from my lips.
At the end I would like you to compere the loneliness; the 10 months you suffered because of me and the 20 years I discovered under the sky among number of people around me. Which would score high do you think? I guess it would be a tie: yet I am not sorry to you because I want to drag all the love from your heart out. So that someone else could get better life and a pre soulmate in you. At the end the cold heart of mine would like to tell you that I loved you with the
bottom of my heart but the unspoken things from my lips are the lines that act as a boundary to my love. And in the next row, you cannot read those lips without I make them to you. So better I be a cold self-centered person… So may be, loneliness is the shadow of love; I could not trail enough.

I LOVE YOU

You! Who came 2 days ago how dare you made my heart flutter…
You! Who came to this life how dare you start to complicate my emotions.
How dare you to bring butterfly all over my tummy and fear around my hear …
How dare you !! To make me want to whisper the magical love things…
Yes!! I feel to whisper love when nobody is around. 
Dear unseen perfection I don’t know what love actually is but sometimes I really want to whisper these words to you- 

I love you

Her Story; TheUnspokenTale

Her Story; TheUnspokenTale

HER, her story begins with a new life inside her. In a silent corner of her heart, she feels glad that she is going to be "MOTHER”. Numerous feeling hits her heart while she lacks word to explain her happiness on being fertile. She dares to intake all kind of changes in her. She dares to intake all the suffering too, as the reward for her is the title – Mother. She knows she can lose her beauty; her charming face can be occupied with spots and pigments, her shaped body will turn into a bumpy thing, mirror will describe her ugly. But she hardly cares as she motives to see herself as a beautiful mother of her child. She mends herself ready to go through the gags, mood swings, the pains and everything else.

she is able to carry life within her; she is going to be –“MOTHER".

She, for nine month carried a life inside her. For these nine months, she appears to be the most sensitive element in this earth yet, her reflection to his eye is different. On the direction of a lens, she is a creator but her creativity will have no reasons for celebrations if the life inside her is a girl. He sees her as a vulnerable creature. He takes her presence as granted and feels pity on her. May be that is the reason he feels no proud that his women, his girl/ his better-half is fertile. He doesn’t put any respect to the mother of his going to be child but demands to identify who she has been carrying inside her; his son or another vulnerable creature alike her.

The soft corner in her heart wants him to respect her yet she is afraid. She cannot even demand her part of respect from him because her mother taught her- your duty is to accept his treatments without caring if it is good, bad or worst.  Every time her husband demands to verify the child as boy or girl? She dreams to deny his command but she turns out to be helpless. He wants to know to what sex his child belong without even bothering of her feelings. She just wanted to be Mother of her child. But her dream sounds too cheap to him. Finally he compels her for sex determination test and she is given no other alternative. The result said she was holding a beautiful princess inside her, her happiness knew no bound. But it was crashed into pieces when he said- “we prefer to abort the child, please let us with your date” to the doctor.

Vulnerably she thinks to herself- “If only he could feel what it feels to carry life inside self? If only he could sense the happiness for being a creator? If only sex would not have been a measure to label motherhood.  If only he could realize what being aborted actually feels like? Or if he was a girl child in his mothers womb and his father decides to abort him.” She feels sorry for not standing up for her daughter. She feels, she failed because her womb could not hold a child alike him. Yet sticks silent because she had had been a good daughter throughout her life, sincere wife throughout her life, a responsible daughter-in-law throughout her life. While, she repents for failing as; a mother of her unborn aborted daughter.